These Are a Few of My Scariest Things

Scary things scare me! Many things scared me while I was a caregiver. And recently I had to confront something else I feared—an MRI. I wasn’t excited about being shut in a machine with deafening noises that to me seemed like cruel and unusual punishment.

I sat forever in the waiting room—well, okay, perhaps it was only ten minutes. But don’t they know that the length of my wait increases the intensity of my fears?

I recalled my anxiety over zip-lining in the Ozark Mountains. After a hairpin-turn in an open-sided truck with two tires on the road and two hanging over a ridge, the guides issued me a hard hat, gloves, and a harness that would somehow stop my plummet from the cable into the forest 100 feet below. They dared to decline my suggestion for sheathing me in infinite amounts of bubble wrap to protect me from the fall. Hey, at least the popping sounds would provide some amusement!

The guides attached my cable to the overhead line and instructed us that we now were going to walk over the bridge to the diving, er, I mean, zip-lining platform.

Bridge? All I saw were ropes attached to a few two-by-fours. My husband was behind me and turned the rope bridge into a trapeze, swinging from side to side. He took great delight in my screams to stop it now! We finally made it to the other side of the bridge and stood atop the platform which appeared taller than Jack’s beanstalk into the clouds. I had a dilemma. I didn’t want to jump. And I didn’t want to go back the way we came. So I made my husband go first. He sailed through the air with the greatest of ease (that trapeze thing again).

However, the guides were now convinced I was one of those people who never take the giant leap for mankind. Convinced flying through the air was better than tackling the rope bridge again, I said, “Let’s fly.” Off I flew—and had the time of my life! And the guides stood in disbelief.

Back in the waiting room, I rationalized that if I could sail through the air on a cable, I could lie in a machine while magnets disrupted the atom structure in my body. The technician recognized my fears, convinced I was one of those people who would never make it through the imaging. She suggested I come back another time and have sedation. I felt marked with failure for my lack of courage, and I hate sedation. I resigned myself to the MRI. She positioned me in the machine, briefly held my hand, and gave me a buzzer to alert her when I was convinced I would die. I said, “Let’s roll.” Survival mode began as I was literally rolled into the machine at the same time she told me it would be thirty minutes of terror—um, I mean, scans!

Each scan started with a loud jackhammer noise and continued with vibrations and a distinct tone. I liked the one with a gentle, but loud buzzing noise because it reminded me of the white noise machine in our bedroom. I started to relax. The next one sounded like a rapper humming a mantra. I wanted to sing, but was instructed not to move. Another sounded like a rhythmic voice repeating “believe believe believe.” Okay, God. I’ve been praying against my fears. I believe, all right. But now can you make it shut up?!?!?! The last scan sounded like a helicopter. I nearly cried as I remembered a magnificent helicopter ride into the Grand Canyon with my husband. But since I was instructed not to move, crying was out, too.

I ultimately wasn’t one of those people. I never pushed my buzzer to get out early. I thanked the technician for her compassion and praised God for the courage to endure that machine for thirty minutes. He taught me that all I needed to do was to believe that my fears were never bigger than His presence.

God says we are “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14 NIV). I naturally liked the part about being made wonderful, but I struggled to comprehend being “fearfully made.” When I checked the meaning of fearful, I was reminded fearful means to be afraid or filled with awe.

Daniel must have been afraid of the lions when he entered the lion’s den. But he was awed by the Lord’s protection from the lions’ jaws.

Queen Esther must have been afraid when she approached the King. But she was awed by her security with God, not in royal privilege.

Moses feared failure. When God asked him to lead the Israelites to the promised land over a 40-year span, he continued to trust that God’s plan would come to fruition, despite his speaking abilities. He was a leader, and he didn’t fail. And He was in awe of God’s provision for them.

Mary feared the angel who appeared to her to tell her that she would conceive and give birth to the Son of God. She was an unmarried teenager and undoubtedly feared the scorn of others. She held strong to her faith and was in awe that she was chosen by God to give earthly birth to His son.

Isaiah was asked by God, “Who shall I send?” Isaiah responded, “Here am I. Send me.” (Isaiah 6:8)

David must have been afraid as a child when he selected stones to slay the giant or when his grievous sins as an adult were revealed. But he was awed by God’s power to protect and to forgive his moral weaknesses. God considered him to be a man after His own heart (Acts 13:22 NIV).

Alzheimer’s scared me. Being a caregiver to first my dad and then my mom raised many fears. I didn’t want to fail, I wanted them to be proud of me, and I didn’t want to get Alzheimer’s. The stress and isolation were scary. I had to make legal, medical, and logistical decisions for my mom. All caregivers face this, and it’s hard. Impossible. Seemingly never-ending.

But how beautiful it is to be fearfully and wonderfully made! Fears often lead us to safety. God desires our awe of Him. He knows we get lost in real fears, and He promises His love through them. God said, “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine” (Isaiah 43:1 NIV).

Even in our fearful moments, He never rejects and always protects—because He summons us by name into His presence.

©2018 Regifted Grace Ministry LLC

We help weary caregivers find the courage they need to regain hope and stop feeling alone, fearful and broken.

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