IN AWE OF GOD TONIGHT

“God, I’m in awe of you tonight.” My words were soft and filled with gratitude.

I gazed at the unfamiliar sparkle on the lake and the crisp azure sky that met it at the horizon. The trees were dressed in their sharpest array of greens, and even their uniquely shaped knotholes were exotically enticing. My whole world changed in 36 hours. Cataract surgery in my right eye replaced my triple vision with a crisp 20/20. And I was in awe of what I could see in a way I had never seen before, for peace, and for answered prayer.

I’ve worn glasses since third grade, and squinted at least since age 3 (picture above). Many prescriptions later, my right eye could no longer be restored without surgery. What I wasn’t expecting from surgery is that I can now see better than I had ever seen in my entire life. Six decades of various levels of blurry vision was gone. At least in my right eye. And everything looks different.

The Adventure

My dear friend Karen, one of two lifelong girlfriends who have richly blessed my life for the better part of 50 years, opened up her home so that my husband and I could bunk there for two nights. Our spot in Wisconsin is a long way from the doctor.

Sunday night gave us a chance to catch up, exchange birthday gifts, and raid her refrigerator. We stayed up way too late reminiscing. After all, she is my Ethel to my Lucy. Truly, if you knew us both, you’d know why!!

My husband and I left her beautiful home about 5:15 a.m., tiptoeing out of the house so we wouldn’t wake her. But I was in charge of garage doors. Mistake number one. Never leave ME in charge of garage doors. My first attempt resulted in opening the wrong one, which ultimately couldn’t be closed from the outside. So down went that one. I somehow sensed the laughter in Karen’s voice from way inside her home. My second attempt opened the right one, I entered the code from the outside, and down the door went. Grateful I could at least be her morning alarm clock! I told you about that Lucy and Ethel thing, right?

Saying I was a bunch of nerves once we got to the Phillips Eye Institute would be like saying there’s only one fish in the sea. Blood pressure was up, and there was discussion about, well, perhaps MORE sedation might be required for “this one.”

Walter was my lead pre-op nurse, and Wanda was my nurse anesthetist. Yes, we had a discussion about fish, and I told them I would be blogging about them! I’m not personally afraid of needles, but my veins viciously avoid them. After the fourth attempt at an IV, a small vein finally cooperated, and they flew me into the first surgical suite for the laser. It was cold in that room, so they gave me a nice, warm blankie. Wanda leaned over and asked me how I was feeling. She had already administered, as my sister later suggested, a nice little cocktail of Versed and Alfentanil. I told her I felt just fine and relaxed. Let’s roll.

I never felt anything during the 60-90 seconds of laser that made the incision and broke down the cataract and lens that had to be removed. I saw lots of psychedelic lights of various patterns, and then it was done. The entourage of doctor, anesthetist and nurses quickly wheeled me into the second surgical suite. I saw more lights, which I think were Dr. Keith Carlson’s lights. Without a lens, I was surprised I could see anything, but I could. I felt tugging, pulling, and pressure. No pain, but slightly uncomfortable as Wanda’s cocktail began to wear off.

But then we were done. A nice plastic shield (just call me Wonder Woman) was taped in place over my eye. Even before I got back to the post-op luxury suite, I started saying, “I can see. I can see.” It was very cloudy, but what I could see through the fields of cottony shadows was the clear lettering of some innocuous sign.

My husband met me there, and I got apple juice, crackers, and a protein bar. I was a little queasy and asked if they had given me the anti-nausea drug. I was grateful that Wanda opted not to give the drug. It can create a racing heart, and I had told her not to give me anything that would do that. Thank you, Wanda!

I was back to Karen’s about five hours after we left. I had some vision, which came and went with cloudiness during the day. About ten hours after surgery, all the clouds cleared. My vision was sharp, way beyond what I had hoped.

The Result

The next afternoon, it was time to visit Dr. Carlson and his staff. They couldn’t believe in 30 hours I could see slightly better than 20/20. We laughed, and I told them I’ve always been an overachiever. When I was asked to read anything at all from the 20/15 line, I started to cry. I just couldn’t believe I went—in only 30 hours—from triple vision to better than 20/20. I got one letter right on the 20/15. I have a newfound fondness for the letter “Z.” Dr. Carlson said, “This shows the power of prayer.” I told him many were praying and that, yes, prayers were answered beyond my wildest expectation.

My eyes still don’t like playing in the sandbox together. They’re slugging it out to see who gets to be dominant. So I’ve now scheduled my left eye for the end of August which should end their battle. I hope to see Walter and Wanda again … they gave me reason to laugh when I was a mess.

And I go to a place of—why?

When I took high school journalism in the mid-70’s, we started with the basics that every news story should have—who, what, where, when, why, and how. As I got older and experienced life and my spiritual journey, I often found myself asking “why”—why did you allow this, why me, why NOT me, why can’t, why should ….

What do you want me to do for you?

At the hospital, the nurse anesthetist didn’t ask me, “Why do you want it” or “Why do you think you should have it?” Instead, Wanda asked, “What do you want me to do for you?” She asked me how comfortable I wanted to be. She was there to serve me.

This question is in the Bible at least three times. I’ll share just one.

A blind man named Bartimaeus sat alongside the road begging. He called out to Jesus, “Have mercy on me!” Jesus answered, “What do you want me to do for you?” He answered, “I want to see” (Mark 10:46-52; Matt. 20: 29-33; Luke 18:41 NIV). Jesus didn’t ask the blind man, “Why are you blind” or “Why do you want to see?” Instead, He asked what He could do to serve.

The “why” can be a powerful question. But I’ve allowed it to put attention on my needs or feelings, rather than on serving God or serving others. I know people who have not had good results with cataract surgery. I also have people very close to me with incurable illnesses. And I made end of life decisions for both my parents when they died of Alzheimer’s. I asked God, “why them” and “why not me.”

Through a dear lifelong friend, and at a practicum at this year’s Blue Ridge Mountains Christian Writers Conference, I am being taught to look for the “what,” rather than the “why.” There is much more power in the what—Jesus asking me what I want Him to do for me, as well as me asking Jesus what He wants me to do for Him.

At the practicum, my written answer to the question was this. “What do I want you to do? Illuminate Your path and put my path in the shadows. Here am I, Lord. Send me.”

My physical vision is being restored, and my spiritual vision is taking new depth. He is taking me on a journey to discover, “Lord, what can I do for you.” I am in awe of what I can spiritually see in a way I had never seen before. Looking for the “what” that’s directed to Jesus and others allows a renewed peace. It helps protect me from my own negative thoughts toward myself and exerts that energy instead on helping others, whether through prayer or tangible assistance.

So I am in awe of God tonight.

Please share your comments below in response to either or both of these two questions:

When have you been in awe of God?

What do you want God to do for you?

© 2018 Regifted Grace® Ministry LLC

We help weary caregivers find the courage they need to regain hope and stop feeling alone, fearful and broken.

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