Have you ever felt that way? Or felt that you HAVE to forgive and then you feel guilty because you can’t? Or felt guilty because you thought you forgave and then the pain of the offenses crept back in and forgiveness flew out the window?
Raw emotions seep to the surface when a family member becomes responsible for the care of another, especially when that family is impacted by Alzheimer’s. Old family wounds raise up their ugly heads, and fractured relationships become chasms filled with harsh words and unforgiveness.
When my husband and I had to decide whether or not to move to Arkansas to be caregivers for my mom, one of the attorneys I worked with told me how much family dysfunction surfaced when her family received an Alzheimer’s diagnosis. Her family dynamic changed, and the disease pitted one member against another, which was contrary to what I thought would happen. In my world, I thought that a terminal illness such as Alzheimer’s would bring a family together–you know, the strength in numbers thing?
But she was right. The severely fractured relationship I had with my sister for decades got worse and added to the pain of watching my dear Mama journey through the ravaging stages of Alzheimer’s. I had already lost my dad to Alzheimer’s in 2010, and having a second “rodeo” with the same disease was daunting. The separation between my sister and I already seemed bigger than the Great Blue Hole of Belize, and Alzheimer’s grew the chasm “as far as the east is from the west.”
In my published book Undefeated Innocence, which was written during my caregiving experience, I sought to authentically write about the difficult issues that families face with this disease, including forgiveness. While writing the book, I was challenged with my sister’s diagnosis with stage 3 colon cancer. I didn’t know how to handle it and asked God, “How can I forgive when I don’t want to?” I believe I had already penned the chapter on forgiveness prior to the resolution of our relationship and ended up having to rewrite the entire chapter!
Undefeated Innocence is based on a study of The Beatitudes and the fruit of the Spirit. I spend a lot of time on the story of Joseph in Chapter 10 because his story talks about family dysfunction, jealousy, hardship, and the components necessary in order to reach complete forgiveness.
Matthew 5:11-12 (NIV) states, “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven.” Well, that indeed summed it up for me. Many Alzheimer’s families are ripped apart, and many caregivers feel persecuted. It’s one thing to be at war with an insidious disease, but being at war with your own family is tumultuous.
In a nutshell, here’s what we learn from the story of Joseph which appears in the book of Genesis. He was the second to the youngest son of Jacob; only Benjamin was younger. He was described to be the “favored son” of Jacob which caused much jealousy with Joseph’s older brothers. The brothers plotted to kill him, but instead sold him as a slave after his brother Reuben pleaded to let let him live. Joseph endured further hardship, including prison time for a scheme plotted by a scorned woman. Many years went by. Jacob was distraught by losing his beloved son, and a major drought came upon them. Jacob and his sons heard that they could go to Egypt and try to get food for their family. They didn’t know that, by this time, Joseph had become an official of Egypt, ranked only second to the Pharaoh. When the brothers went to Joseph, they didn’t know it was Joseph. Joseph overheard them talking about their remorse over what they did to him, and he tested them several times before revealing his identity to them. In the end, forgiveness prevailed, and the relationship was restored. And the distraught father was once again reunited with his favored son.
I learned a lot from Joseph’s example. I discovered that the two components for achieving true reconciliation in a relationship are humility and forgiveness. Both are required by the parties in the broken relationship. One party might carry a bigger burden of humility, and another party might carry a bigger burden of forgiveness, but both components are required. In Joseph’s case, the brothers needed to come to Joseph with humility, and Joseph needed to be able to come to the brothers with a forgiving heart. Two parties plus two components equal true forgiveness and reconciliation. I also learned about release (letting yourself off the hook), and I learned that it was okay to test (to see if the other party truly wants reconciliation). I’m convinced that Joseph experienced release in the years between being sold to slaves and becoming second in command in Egypt . After being moved by seeing his brothers again and testing them, humility and forgiveness replaced release, and full reconciliation and restoration of their relationship occurred.
Here are a few excerpts from Chapter 10:
For many years, religion taught me I was required to forgive everyone who hurt me so I wouldn’t be the one being held hostage, regardless of the choice by the other party. Religion was telling me to forgive the other person, even if they never asked for forgiveness nor displayed true repentance. Try as I might, I would say I forgave so-and-so, the chains were broken, and I no longer held myself captive. But did I really feel free? No! I felt shame because I still didn’t feel free, and I still didn’t feel like forgiveness really happened. As a Christian frequently does, I thought I forgave myself or forgave the other person, without their knowledge or assent, and then picked it up again and felt ashamed for not being truly forgiving.
Shame and should are not biblical tenets of a spirit-filled life! I finally got to the point where I admitted that the mere phrase of “I forgive so-and-so but can’t have a relationship with them” made me feel like a failure again. Being told by religion that I was obligated to forgive so-and-so made me feel like a doormat–and a guilt-ridden doormat at that!
My sister battled stage-three colon cancer just months before our reconciliation. I knew my frailties and called out to God with a contrite and transparent request. I told Him I couldn’t do forgiveness on my own with my sister, and I quite frankly didn’t know how to try. I asked Him to change my heart if this was in His will. I asked Him to instill in me a desire for reconciliation and then show me a pathway for success.
Unbeknownst to me, at the same time, God was also speaking to my sister by planting in her heart a desire to reconcile with me. When God is working on both parties in a conflict with the same thing, there is no denying God. Both my sister and I developed a strong desire to reconcile with each other, even though neither of us knew what God was doing in the other.
I now recognized why I frequently got stuck in thinking that God required me to simply forgive everyone, especially if they didn’t ask for it. To me, it felt like they were all receiving a free hall pass while I was stuck in detention! One-sided forgiveness can be steeped in failure. One moment I can feel that I’ve forgiven someone and discover moments later that I’m still angry and unforgiving. It can become a revolving door that feels more like shame than forgiveness.
Not everyone in a relationship is always willing to reconcile with both humility and forgiveness. What God showed me is that in order to avoid being stuck in my own life, I needed to learn how to at least release someone from what they’ve done. It requires me to be the only participant. Release alone is not reconciliation, but it removes the chains from obstructing me from being able to move forward. Release sets me free.
Armed with the desire to allow God’s will to intercede in the relationship with my sister, I knew I could release the emotions of the past. That one was within God’s and my control. I released her and the infractions from my soul so I would no longer be stuck in emotional bondage. If I still felt resentment at times, it didn’t mean I didn’t release. It merely meant that there was still pain, and God could help me with that. Release empowered me to let go and move on with my life, regardless of the actions of anyone else. It was a guiltless first step, and it allowed me to move forward.
Six weeks before Mom passed, my sister came to town to see Mom and with a desire to reconcile with me. God had already helped me release the pain, and I knew that if Lori and I both came to each other with humble spirits seeking forgiveness, I was equipped to offer both release and real forgiveness. Both she and I needed to be humble, and we both needed to be forgiving.
When Lori and her husband drove up to our house, I knew from the moment my sister and I hugged and cried and hugged and cried that all was humbly forgiven between us. We talked about a few details of our relationship over the next few days, but we mostly just agreed that we loved each other and that digging into the past was unnecessary. I was floored by God’s perfect orchestration of a delicate plan. But He had two willing participants filled with release, humility, and forgiveness.
The bottom line is this: Forgiveness is always the goal for God. He loves me so much that He allows me to ask for one step at a time. For me, the first step was to tell Him that I didn’t know if I could do it, but I would be open to Him giving me the desire for a restored relationship. I admitted to God that I couldn’t do it on my own. I gave Him a mustard seed from my soul, and with one small seed, He gave our entire family a story of reconciliation, which has branched off to other family members and gave peace to my mom before she passed.
What I’m not sharing with you are the situations that caused me such deep pain. The details aren’t necessary or productive. But know that they were extraordinarily rugged and deep.
Even more important than Joseph’s story is that Jesus instructed us to forgive one another. The goal is always reconciliation, but it requires two key ingredients–humility and forgiveness. If that’s not possible, perhaps it IS possible to release the pain. Jesus already knows your pain, and your struggles. If you don’t know how you could ever possibly reconcile and forgive someone, consider being frank with God. He already knows anyway. I don’t believe that we are expected to “forgive and forget.” Forgive? Yes. Forget? No. Short of having dementia, we weren’t created with a mind that can forget on purpose. One reason God didn’t create us to forget is that remembering helps us deal with anger. And anger isn’t inherently bad–it tells us that something is wrong and helps us protect ourselves (that’s a whole other blog post I might have to write!). When I took myself for a physical long walk around the block and told God that I was hurt and angry and that He needed to change my heart before I could even entertain the idea of forgiveness, I experienced release. God took it the rest of the way, and forgiveness was not only possible, but it was reality.
The picture at the top of the post was taken days after my dear sister and I reconciled. My mom has some of the Alzheimer’s “blank stare,” but she had great joy in knowing that her daughters finally got things right. And my sister and I? It’s been two years, and we are best of friends.
©2018 Regifted Grace Ministry LLC
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Congratulations on your blog my friend! Amazing insight rooted in the love of Jesus!
Hugs-
Nancy
Hugs to you, my friend!
Thank. you for sharing your story. I have been struggling with this issue, often wondering what forgiveness even looks like. I grew up with a very difficult father and am now the only family member able to care for him. His selfishness and inconsideration haven’t improved with age. I believe he is sorry in his limited ability to comprehend what that means, but really has no idea what repentance means. Been praying for peace and understanding, but it’s so hard!
Thanks for sharing where you’re at right now, Brenda. Before I lost my dad to Alzheimer’s (I lost both parents to the disease), I had to sort through some raw emotions. I loved my dad, but I had some things to let go. Part of what helped me with that is recognizing one thing that a mentor taught me, which was that “we cannot give what we do not have.” Dad’s shortcomings were much related to how HE grew up. He couldn’t give me what he did not have. Once I recognized that, I could “release.” And then I could truly forgive, even though we never talked about it. We spent the last decade or so of his life truly loving each other, because I was able to release my expectations. The disease caused him to lash out, both physically and verbally. I’m so sorry you’re caught in a disease that doesn’t let go. I don’t know if this applies in your situation, but once I let my dad off the hook for the pain HE suffered when he was growing up, then we could move forward in a really beautiful relationship. I was the last family member to assist him before he passed. We had a very special relationship. My prayer is that somehow you might receive the same outcome. The disease makes it so very tough. But God is bigger than the disease. There can be a real beauty in caregiving, because it’s a gift of the heart. My prayer is that God will give you the peace to find what I call “the collateral beauty.” God bless you!