“Hello? This is the nursing station. We need to talk to you about your dad.”

The phone call I always dreaded announced the beginning of my father’s final journey. He fought the good fight, and it was time for him to go to his eternal home. Alzheimer’s was being defeated by grace.

He was dying. The nursing home asked me if we intervene or let him die. Yes, I helped mom with all the memory care, legal, medical, and financial decisions. But choosing how and when he dies? That was August 3, 2010, and he passed on August 4, 2010.

So here I am again, six years later.

“Hello? This is the nursing station. We need to talk to you about your mom.”

The phone call I dreaded announces that my mother’s final journey has begun. She fought the good fight, and it was time for her to go to her eternal home. Alzheimer’s was finally being defeated by grace. Again.

The nurse says, “We believe she’s having a heart attack. She’s struggling and asks about you. We told her you’re on your way. She smiled, and we’re taking her to the emergency room.”

The sound of my name brings comfort to my mama, and she still remembers me. Oh, mama. I’m heartbroken. We love each other like crazy.

I nervously gather up my things to go to the hospital, take a deep breath and begin the treacherously emotional drive to the hospital.

I call out to God. “Please don’t take her until I get there. Not yet, Lord. I need to be there.”

I arrive at the hospital, and hurriedly park the car near the ER entrance. I run through the automatic doors. My heart races; words are few. The young woman at the desk instantly escorts me to the family conference room. My heart sinks when the doctor immediately enters the room.

His grim countenance stands face to face with me in the faintly-lit room. During our brief conversation, a frenzied nurse enters the room twice, needing the doctor’s urgent attention regarding my mom. He presses me for a family directive. I tell him, because we’re legal guardians, we need a court order to make this decision. He says he doesn’t care about any court order. He needs my decision right now. Through torrents of salty tears, I plead with him. As they take me to the ER suite, a nurse tells me her heart stopped. I race in to hold her soft, warm hand one last time. That was June 30, 2016.

Twice I’ve been a primary caregiver. Twice I’m asked to make end of life decisions. Twice I’ve been challenged to find the best in my relationships, keep my faith strong, balance career and caregiving, and love my parents the way that they deserved to be loved.

Experience taught me three keys of caregiving that helped me keep things in perspective. These keys will impact your best during the times that feel your worst.

The first key is to lead. We lead by being a bold decision-maker. We know the loved one better than anyone else, as caregiver. We lead by helping their lives be the best days of their lives. This key mentors you how to be a champion advocate and life manager.

The second key is to learn. You are the nexus between knowing and doing on behalf of someone else. Study the research and details of the disease. Discover clinical trials. Learn about quality of care, especially how it relates to the disease you’re facing. This key stresses the importance of being the resident expert.

The third key is to love. Love your caree, love yourself, and learn how to release and mend broken relationships. This key focuses on relevance, peace, and tools to achieve restoration and forgiveness in your relationships.

These keys are vital to you as caregiver and the ones receiving your care. The word “rodeo” is often used to describe the caregiving experience. It stems from a Spanish word that means “to surround.” That’s exactly what we do as a caregiver. Most family caregivers go through only a “first rodeo.” Some family caregivers like me have to saddle up and ride again. Professional caregivers experience the journey many times over. We give and receive our best when we surround the person receiving our care.

Through life as a caregiver, I learned the importance of the roles of leading, learning, and loving. I am developing these powerful keys and will share them one by one in the future.

Until then, from my book, UNDEFEATED INNOCENCE, always know that your role as a caregiver is vital.

Because I Caregave

I miss the softness of your hands, because I held them.

I miss the softness of your voice, because I listened.

I miss the softness of your lips, because I kissed them.

I miss the softness of your eyes, because I gazed into them.

I miss the softness of your heart, because I knew it.

I miss the softness of your soul, because I felt it.

I miss the softness of your tears, because I wiped them away.

I miss the softness of your smile, because we laughed.

I miss the softness of your skin, because I stroked your face.

I miss the softness of your hugs, because we shared them.

I miss the softness of your love, because I shared it.

Please share your comments below in response to either or both of these two questions:

Which of the three keys–leading, learning, loving–are the toughest for you?

What do you want God to do for you?

© 2018 Regifted Grace® Ministry LLC

We help weary caregivers find the courage they need to regain hope and stop feeling alone, fearful and broken.

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